Humble Pie

I became pregnant with twins in late 2006 after one round of IVF. My husband and I knew we were lucky to get pregnant so quickly and while the thought of twins was a little overwhelming, it was still very exciting. Pregnancy was great. I was 30 years old (which carried a certain sense of maturity, no?). I had graduated medical school in 2002 and had a resounding four years of clinical experience. That made me an expert right? I was well versed in each trimester of pregnancy. I was aware of what would happen at my doctor’s visits, and I knew what to look for if problems arose. Even more, I knew how to take care of a baby when it was born. When I was in residency, I had become adept at holding a newborn. I knew how much to feed a baby, what to look for in a sick child, and how to sleep train. I was soooo f-ing ready that I skipped most of the pregnancy classes we had signed up for.

I can tell you- I felt superhuman during pregnancy. First, people did not seem to anticipate much from me because I was carrying twins. They regaled me when I bent over to pick up a pen that had fallen on the ground. They were shocked when I shoveled the Milwaukee snow. They were surprised that I was still able to cook, clean and work.  I wore fashionable clothes, and my hair looked great (hello- thank you hormones, elastic waistbands and friends who loan you maternity clothes). It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I exceeded everyone’s expectations.

My point is pregnancy was wonderful- for me. I went into week 38 thinking I was going to be amazing mom. And then, “Twin A” had a low heart rate during a doctor’s visit and subsequently an emergency C-section ensued, one week early (trust me- Twin A still causes me stress). After the birth, I went into freeze. The twins went straight to the NICU because they had a hard time maintaining their body temperatures. I did not hold them for their first six hours of life. I often wonder about those six hours and the ramifications on them and me. But even after I held them, things got worse. I did not want to feed them or hold them or talk to them.

While I was well versed in the symptoms of postpartum depression and its treatment for others, it was not clear to me that that is what I was experiencing. The thing about depression is when you are you are in the dredges of dealing with it, it’s hard to act rationally and in your best interest. Any confidence I had about feeding two babies at the same time was gone. I did not trust myself to do anything right, and honestly, I didn’t even want to try. When the twins left my body, the estrogen and progesterone (and probably the serotonin and dopamine as well) seemed to disappear too. And as a result, all the positivity and love that I had felt when I was pregnant vanished.

When the kids went in for their one-month visit, my family insisted I ask the doctor about starting an antidepressant. I did ask and started something that same day. Looking back the whole thing blows my mind.  I ask moms about postpartum depression all the time and I am aware of the signs to look for.  But when you’re in the eye of the storm, it’s hard not to get caught up in the winds of despair instead of noticing the shelter.

The happy part of this story is that the postpartum depression got better. The part that I find important is that it was humbling- something that is far too common with being a mom and a doctor.  What I know from a book is important but experiencing something and listening to your body are just as essential. As women, we are often not heard, and we must trust ourselves and our often support systems to advocate for us. And sometimes we have to be willing to swallow some of that humble pie and say maybe I don’t know everything, and I need help. Which is what happened.

I learned I was pregnant again when the twins were three months (that’s a story for another time) and you can bet I stayed on my antidepressants the entire pregnancy and afterwards.  I held my third baby right away and my serotonin levels did not drop like before. This time I experienced a different type of postpartum period- very tiring but fulfilling. So, trust yourself and keep people you trust by your side to help you out when you can’t do it yourself. Because despite popular belief, you can’t always do it by yourself- even if you are a 30-year-old doctor…. 🙄🙄🙄

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The author, 7 months pregnant, with her 9 month old twins